Waltzing with My Thoughts, by Lisa Zuercher, 7 August 2016
Sitting in my yard, admiring the pale blue sky, the blooming sunflowers, the ornamental grasses, the sparrows flying from the Rose of Sharon bush to the various vines that line the fence make me smile. Bugs and bees are scurrying from bloom to bloom delighting in the nectar of life. And I get to enjoy all of this. The only thing missing is the sound of the ocean dancing upon the shore. One day I’ll own a house by the Atlantic and marvel each day in the splendor of its power. One day indeed.
I ponder over the events of the past days and feel myself settling into the cracks in my life. What am I learning from them, these cracks? What about my family is tugging at me? I’ve been feeling as if I am on the outside looking in. It’s bugging me. The dynamic is causing my heart to ache and I find myself delving deeper into my cracks looking for answers.
Will my answers be found as I sit in my yard welcoming the delicate balance of wind chimes singing, witnessing the gentle breeze awaking the ornamental grasses into dance and allowing my soul to feel what it needs to feel? Maybe I should look at my life as a sunflower. A seed planted and nurtured. A shoot sprouted through the earth. It grew tall. A bud burst into the delicious, colorful bloom smiling at me now. What I can say about me is that I grew from a seed. I was nurtured. I grew tall and my bud burst into a blossom. No one can take that from me. Not everyone will appreciate me or my blossom and that is okay because when I gaze at the sunflowers following the suns calls day after day I remember that all I need to do is follow God’s call day after day. Steps taken toward the Light, toward Healing. I’m good and those cracks, well they are part of me. A delicious place to linger and learn.
I am also thinking about my experiences on Friday as I traveled to and from work. Traveling to work on Friday morning I thought I’d jump out of my skin at the loud voice of a man preaching at the top of his lungs about Jesus and condemning those that don’t. Now mind you, I believe in Christ. It is what gets me through. However, I also believe in many spiritual practices and being One with Everything is my path, it is my journey, it is my waltz with God. I don’t believe in condemning others because they don’t believe what I believe or don’t walk upon the same road. And this man, well his voice was so loud my ear drums felt like they were being pierced.
What I relate next is from my train journal entry on Friday, 5 August 2016.
“5 August 2016, 7:42am. In the midst of love I find myself suddenly silent in the echo of my soul. Not sure where to step next, not feeling love at all, feeling quite alone, stranded on an island of regrets. Which step do I take next? Are there any steps to take? In the midst of love – is it a farce? NO. I know deep down I am surrounded by love and my not feeling it doesn’t mean it isn’t there, however the alone feeling is strong.
Where do I expect to be? Who do I expect to be? Ah, the age old question for me. I thought by now I’d have a pile of money in the bank and would be retired. I thought I’d be spending my days walking along the beach with the dogs, writing in the afternoon, and settling into thoughts in the evening. Not in the cards I guess, because of previous decisions made. What to do? I gotta get cheap now. It’s the only way I’ll be able to retire at all.
I wish the guy speaking at the top of his lungs would shut up. His voice is penetrating my ear drums and it hurts. Seriously it feels likes knives are being shoved through my ear drums. He is preaching about one God, one Jesus. Okay, but tone it down. Don’t force it upon another. Act rightly and watch people come, is what I say. He is denouncing all other religions and spiritual practices. Shut up I am screaming silently within. He is turning me off and I notice others leaving the subway car at President Street and running into the next car. Oh please shut up I shout again in silence. He is forcing himself upon everyone. He lets everyone know he is Jamaican and shares loudly that he grew up with Bedouin (that is what it sounded like he said anyway) and then he turned to Christ. Then he begins putting down other religions. The energy in the subway car is changing. I can feel tension setting upon people. Again, I am silently screaming SHUT UP and I feel my own energy turning heavy.
Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve this penance this morning? I chuckle at myself as if this is about me. Actually it is. I am writing in my journal and my subway time is a time to look into myself—me time. His jarring voice is interrupting my flow. Could he just tone it down a bit?
Ah, quiet at last. At Atlantic Avenue he got off the subway. It feels heavenly now. The gentle sound of the train wheels gliding against the metal rails. The hum of the air conditioner. The whisper of passengers’ voices. I can feel the sigh of relief from other passengers. People are appreciating their train time now as if they never realized before how delightful a peaceful ride to New York City could be.
And with the quiet I can get back to my thoughts. O holy and heavenly Father, where are you? Why do I feel blank? Why do I feel clogged by blankness? What is it that I struggle with? I need time for myself to rejuvenate. I want to be in a space where I can just feel love. How did I become so blank? Dead inside? Have a multitude of disappoints deadened me as of late? I must end here because the Wall Street subway stop just appeared and I have to get off the train.”
I had a good day at work and on Fridays during the summer, with hours put in, I can leave at 2pm. So at 2pm I ran like the wind. I wanted to catch the 2:04pm #2 subway to Brooklyn. I walked faster than I thought my feet and legs could carry me and I made it. I made the 2:04 train. Yahooey.
I sat in an overly cold subway car and enjoyed the fact that I had a good day at work and I was being whisked away home. I took out my journal and decided to reflect on my morning experience.
Here is the polar opposite experience on my ride home.
“5 August 2016, 2:05pm. Thank you, Lord. I caught the early #2 train and I am being whisked off to Brooklyn. I can’t wait to get home. Cathie gave me a great idea starter for the book. She suggested I take my published daily thoughts and create chapters in the book based on each thought, one page per thought. Her feedback was lovely and helpful and I am delighted I asked her insights on getting started.
Yes, God is smiling at me now and I like that. I like it always. Someone just got on the train with a bongo drum and begins singing You’ve Got A Friend by Carol King. I stopped writing for a moment and realized just as I wrote the line God is smiling at me now, this gentleman began singing You’ve Got a Friend and the line just call out my name was permeating the subway car. Was God using him to send me a HUGE message that I am to call out to Him in my despair, my aloneness, my times of happiness and sadness? I think yes. Throughout the song he interjected words of wisdom, bible passages, and kindness. He wasn’t shouting at the top of his lungs. The singer finishes his beautiful rendition and says, “Thank you for allowing me to be myself. Without your ears I have no voice.” I smile broadly and think about myself and how voiceless I feel at times and wonder if anyone hears me at all. God is showing himself in a giant way right now. He was presenting his canvas in a gentle way. As this bongo playing singer departs the train he says, “Your smile might save someone’s life, even your own,” and poof, he was gone. I didn’t see where he walked to. It was as if he vanished as soon as he stepped out of the subway car.
Could this be my angel letting me know God is absolutely smiling upon me and loving me and letting me know that I have an eternal friend and family member – the ALL, God, All Creation. I am in it. I am part of it. I am all of it. I am amazed. I am absolutely, 100 percent freaking amazed at what just transpired. Thank you angels. Thank you God.
So here I was calling out to God and this bongo playing singer belts out Carol King’s You’ve Got A Friend. An angel placed before me to keep my soul alive, to offer me the rope upon which I could climb up from the morning rant. Feeling alone this morning and feeling loved up this afternoon. Well placed words, beautiful music, and a divine messenger. My pen pushing soulfully along lined pages of my journal, my thoughts moving faster than my pen moves. Which way to turn now? What to write next? And my station just appeared and I have to get off the train to catch the bus home.”
And that brings me to today.
I just looked up from my laptop and notice that puffy clouds have formed in the pale blue sky. So much has changed since I’ve been reflecting on my Friday divine encounter. I look up again and swear the angel statue I placed in the yard is smiling at me (no I am not hallucinating). The whispering wind caressing my thoughts. I am being heard. The sunflowers shimmer in the breeze as if clapping for me, cheering me on and lightening my load. The dance of the leaves singing sweetly and thanking me for taking the time to notice everything.
I stopped typing for a moment to feel the beauty around me and realized yet again, that my waltz with God is ever changing, ever loving, and ever true.